Lost

Lost: Ok...so I've been involved with this individual for about 6 or 7months now...when we met we both had significant others but after 2months of involving myself with this individual I broke it off with the other person...now we have been living together for 3months now and I love her more than life itself...she told me yesterday that she no longer loves me and that she is moving out of the apartment that we share to be with her prior lover...I feel so heart broken and lost...I don't know whether to stand my ground and "fight" for the one I love...or either just "let go"!!! Can someone please help me?

Mocha: The circumstances under which u two became involved were already shaky and you moved in together quite quickly.

As cliché as it may be, it's true that people come into our lives for a reason or a season. Perhaps you've served your purpose in her life. Maybe your reason was to help her realize what she HAD.

As much as it may hurt, you’ve got to let her go. You cannot force someone to love you.

Review the entire situation and learn from it and remember the grass is not always greener.

Lust to Love

Lust to love: I have been in a sexual now turned love relationship. It started out physical but there was always something there from day one. We both have strong true feelings for one another but the only problem is he is involved. I wasn't informed of this woman until about 5 months into our courtship. I had to ask him because I ain’t no fool and his behavior sometime made me feel that he had someone else. Nevertheless I know he loves me. He invites me to his football games, we talk everyday non stop and have a lot of things in common. I’m confused. I love this man for his kindness and effort to make sure I’m ok. What should I do?

Mocha:  How long has he been in this other relationship? Is he married? That's the hard part about having a physical relationship; if it's purely physical, feelings should never be introduced. Most women cannot handle a physical relationship because most equate sex with love.

Just because he is concerned about you doesn't mean he wants to BE with you. He's just not a jerk and doesn't treat you like a "jump off" (and unfortunately, no matter how you try to rationalize, that is what the situation is.)

You have two choices:

1) Continue to be the woman on the side BUT keep your feelings at bay and play your position

2) Have a heart to heart with him about his relationship, about HIS feelings for you, where his other relationship stands, etc.

BUT

Be prepared if you express your feelings he could:

1) Leave you alone because it's too much emotion 4 him (when he already has a woman)

2) Feel the same way about you and want to have a relationship with you (but who's to say he won't do the same to you?)

Fed Up

Fed up:  My husband and I have been together for three years. Married one year. I fell in love with him because he treated me like a queen and gave me the world. Shortly after we got married he lost his job and now I am the bread winner. Now he is a different man. He is always angry and we fight all the time about everything. I want out. Am I wrong to leave now that he has no job?

Mocha:  This is not some guy you’re dating; this is your husband whom you made a vow to before God to cherish, through sickness and health, richer or poorer. Perhaps he is angry because you are making him feel like less than a man when he already feels bad that he cannot provide the lifestyle that he gave you. It’s your job as his wife to make him feel valid even though you have to pick up the slack.  This is not a reason to leave. Every relationship goes through rough spot. Work it out.  You wouldn’t want him to walk out on you if you were down.

Back and Forth

Back and forth: I've been off and on with this guy for quite some time b/c he said he wanted to get his life together, then this year he stated he wanted a relationship. I've met his family and friends, he doesn't come around a lot but when he comes around we always have a good time; (nothing sexual) watching movies, listening to music, crack jokes, a movie and dinner. Then whenever he leaves, he gets upset and starts making accusations or arguments via text messages (only) and says he wants to break up. He says I belittle him and use psychology on him and "that's why I don't come around" He never says these things over the phone or to my face.

My pet peeve is for people to say they will do something and not do it and he does that a lot and I told him if he needed to cancel on me then call or text and tell me but don't have me waiting b/c I have other things I could be doing. I'm honest and upfront about things and I've told him to his face that if you doesn't want to be with me then just say so and I'll go, but then he'll say that's not it .

 I care but I feel like I should care from a distance. I really don't know

1.       how to talk to him w/o making him feel bad,

2.       if he's playing games b/c he hasn't gotten caught up ( no females call my phone or his phone)

3.       whether he just has a hard time making decisions.

What to do?

Mocha: You’ve mentioned what HE wants, but what do YOU want? Do YOU want to be in a relationship with him? Besides the occasional "good time", what else is good about him? Also, DO you belittle him?

Back and Forth: I want to be in a relationship with him. He's intelligent, has goals he's working on, if he had it he'd give me the world and wouldn't think twice about it, and is a positive person to talk to and be around. What I love is that we have discussions and he just have a simple answer; that blew my mind how something so complicated he had a simple answer to.

I don't know if I belittle him; I'm always supportive of his goals and so fourth, if he needs something I help, besides that I don't know. I've never said anything like "he ain't nothing" or I try not to fall into that trap of "you don't care about me" or "you don't do this". But when he says he's going to do something and doesn't it irks me because I have a life; friends want to hang out and I'm supposed to meet up w/ him and he's MIA, what are you supposed to do.

Mocha:  He has goals but is he working on these goals or just talking about them?

It sounds to me that maybe you're a bit more successful than he and that makes him insecure as he's still working on his goals so he lashes out.

We should never kick a man when he's down; however how healthy is this back and forth for YOU?

Don't allow him to dim YOUR light trying to find his. I think you should take a step back and REALLY assess the situation. Make a list of the pros and cons of being with him and ask yourself these questions:

Will his behavior change once he "gets it together" or will he continue to be inconsiderate concerning your time? Will he ever get it together?

I say you "love him from a distance" and explore other options until he gets it together and don't sit by the phone waiting for him.

Cookies

Cookies: Can sleeping with someone you are not in a relationship potentially ruin a chance at being in a relationship?

I am seeing someone, I like him and thing things are great between us. We have been dating for almost a month. I don't know if he wants a relationship and I'm not sure if I want a relationship with him (until I figure out if he is crazy or not). I mainly don't want to put myself out there and get hurt or find out he just wanted my "cookies" what should I do???

Mocha: The best way to find out is to ask him directly what he’s looking for AFTER u figure out what YOU want. Never play the guessing game. That way u both know where u stand.
Also remember in any relationship there is a 50/50 chance u will get hurt. U can't spend life afraid to love because of fear of being hurt.
Always be optimistic in love, not BLIND but optimistic.

Lover Boy

Lover boy: I’ve been talking to this girl for a little while. Every time I try to make a date she says she will let me know but never hits me back. We’ve only spoken on the phone a few times. It’s always text messages. She has a very demanding career so I try to be understanding. She’s beautiful and I want to get to know her and see where things could lead. What should I do?

Mocha: There could be a couple different reasons for her behavior

·         She’s REALLY busy and has no time at all for a social life

·         She has a man

·         She’s not THAT into you but holding on to u just in case her current situation doesn’t turn out the way she wants

·         She has plans already and is using you as a plan B or C if her original plan falls thru/waiting for a better offer.

Ask her to be real with you. Do u know if she has a man? Did she tell you she did and u ignored that and gave her your number anyway?

Remember this: if a person is interested, they will ALWAYS make time to see you.

Torn

Torn: My bf cheated on me and I don’t now if I should stay with him or not. My friends say I should leave him because once a cheater always a cheater. I really love him but I’m hurt and embarrassed.  What should I do?

Mocha: first you need to leave your friends out of your relationship.  Second, did he just sleep with someone else or did he have another relationship on the side?

Torn: Just some whore that was flirting with him and he slept with her.

Mocha: You need to figure out if this was a one time thing or reoccurring. If he’s a serial cheater, leave him alone. If this happened once can you understand that just because a man may have cheated doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love and respect you? Men are dumb and sometimes cannot think beyond their penis. If you are willing to talk about it, deal with it, forgive and move on, why not work it out IF you think he’s worth it? I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. Are there children involved? Has it been years or months? Has he been good to you thus far? Will you be able to truly forgive and forget? Or will you be suspicious every time he leaves the house? Will you begin to check his phone, voice mails, and emails?  Can you, once you’ve talked about it, NOT use it up in every argument, at every chance you get?  Ask yourself these questions.

 If you can let it go, you may be able to salvage a good relationship and live happily every after, just understand with each fairy tale there is conflict. You have to be willing to work through the problems to ultimately be happy.

The Dreamer

Dreamer: I keep having dreams of forgetting things.  I’m wondering if you think I’m having premonitions of getting Alzheimer’s?

Mocha: What leads you to this conclusion? Have you had premonitions before? Do you feel you have clairvoyant abilities?

Dreamer: No, but this is a reoccurring dream and it scared me.

Mocha: Perhaps the initial dream scared you and now sits in your subconscious causing these dreams ,that may mean nothing, to reoccur.

It’s possible that your dreams are trying to remind you of something you’ve forgotten and need to remember but you’ve become so obsessed with the notion of permanent memory loss that you can’t see the simple meaning..(if there even is one)

The Homebody's Girl

Homebody’s girl: I'm having a problem communicating w/ my BF. He is a home body and his version of going out is dinner. Every time I ask him to do something w/ me he always shuts it down and it makes me feel a way. I don’t want to force him to go somewhere and not enjoy himself but I'm tired of him not wanting to do anything. I'm really bothered by it to the point where I'm feeling disconnected. How do you think I should approach it? It’s starting to affect other aspects of the relationship because I feel that he just does not want to hang out with me. We talked about it and he still has no interest in doing anything I want to do and he never comes up w/ anything to do.

Mocha: You say you’ve already tried 2 discuss it and he wasn't receptive 2 your desires? Besides this, is there anything ELSE wrong in the relationship? If the answer is no, this is but a small issue. Figure out some sort of compromise. You can go out with your friends. Why lose of a good man if THIS is the only issue?

My question to you: is this something that u are not willing 2 compromise?

Why do you think he is so against doing what YOU want 2 do? What if something else comes up that you’re interested in and he “shuts it down”? Why have a man if u can't do the things u love and enjoy w/HIM?

Homebody’s girl: I don't think it’s a big issue; I just don't want it to develop into something bigger. He encourages me to go out with my friends but I want to include him in the things I want to do. I tried compromising and telling him we could do something he is interested in, but he just wants to stay home. I fear that I may get myself in trouble by going out without him all the time. He is definitely a keeper but I think part of his desires for me to do my own thing w/out him plays into my in securities.

Mocha:  By not keeping u on a leash and forbidding u 2 go out he's displaying a level of trust.  Do YOU not trust YOU 2 go out and not "get into trouble"? The key 2 "staying out of trouble" is remembering what an amazing guy you've got @ home. A little excitement is not worth losing the total package.